How do you make a grown Fellowship cry?
by Ereneth
Summary: Show them fanfiction...that's how!
1. The supershortprologueofdoom!

The-Super-short-pologue-of-doom!

One fine morning in that splendorous haven we all know and love: 'Rivendel". The sun show in lazy beams through the brightly colored trees, illuminating the mist-shrouded valley below: It was a perfect day; in short, it was the kind of day a Mary-Sue would elusively appear and make Legolas' well, yeah…anyway, it was one of those days.

Everyone's favorite prince of Mirkwood was about to invite the entire fellowship, plus anyone else he could think of. He wanted to share something with them, something he had found. It was an urgent matter of curiosity.

That morning he had found a strange device in the courtyard. It was a folding box, with a screen. Where pictures showed up, and a strange thing that was connected to it by a cord…and you clicked it.

Legolas had found a computer…and had discovered the horrors of the fan-fiction website! 


	2. Who is Emily? Amd why are we, uh, yeah

Well, here is chappy 1...poor Aragorn, poor, poor Aragorn... ----------- 

Chapter 1:

"Who is Emily? And why are we…?

Aragorn was the first to give it a try. He clicked on a title that sounded promising: "A girl falls into middle earth."

"A young girl has just fallen out of the sky." Aragorn said, looking rather confused. "I have no idea on how she must have survived."

"This is an odd tale already." Gimli muttered to himself.

"Her name is Emily." Aragorn continued. Scrolling down the page to read more. "She is only in her sixteenth year, and from some place called 'High School'."

"I wonder what a 'high' school is?" Said Pippin blankly.

"Maybe it's a school in the mountains." Said Merry.

"Or in the sky…" Pippin trailed off.

Merry smacked pippin on the back of the head: "Don't be silly!"

Aragorn stared at the screen, uncomprehending. "It says here." He began: "That I have a little rustic hunting lodge in Ithilien…but I do not."

"Well, we _should_ get a hunting lodge in Ithilien." Arwen said, longingly.

"We may yet…" Aragorn paused, a puzzled expression spreading over his features. "This makes no sense…If it was freezing cold outside, _and _there was a lady in my presence, I most certainly would NOT walk about without a shirt! Now it's describing my manly features." He paused, "Flattering" he said.

Eomer bent over the small screen, reading the text. "The person who wrote this is very strange, indeed. I have only ever heard, 'juicy' apply to fruit, 'luscious' to savory food, and 'rippling' to water; I have never once seen them apply to someone's torso." He smirked slightly watching Aragorns cheeks flush with embarrassment.

Aragorn continued to read.

"BURNING PASSION?" Aragorn leaped up. Arwen stared at him, perplexed. "Do they honestly believe that I would stare at a hypothermic teenager with _burning passion_!"

At this Eomer roared with laughter, and the others soon followed. Soon, all were enjoying their mirth save Arwen, who looked quite scandalized.

"And…and…" Aragorn continued, his jaw going slack. "I cannot believe this."

"What?" Eomer said, still recovering from the thing about 'burning passion'.

"I just took Emily in a manly fasion."

Gandalf looked baffled, Eomer had begun snickering again, Lothiriel went over to console Arwen, who was absolutely outraged. Merry and Pippin stopped arguing about High Schools and looked up. at Aragorn, who had just noticed that Eomer was laughing again.

"You think it is humorous?" Aragorn said. "Then why don't we see what they have to say about you!" and with that he stormed off and went over to see Arwen.

She slapped him.

---------- That concludes...next up Eomer and Lothy see what the fan-fiction populace write about them...it's not pretty! 


	3. Slash' is violence against orcs, right?

Chapter 2

'Slash' means violence against orcs, right?

"I accept." Eomer said staring at Aragorn. "Go ahead, look my name up."

"Sure!" Aragorn said with almost childish glee. He typed in Eomer than clicked something that said 'M' on it, Eomer was puzzled by this, and watched to see what happened. Quite a few results came up, and Aragorn clicked the top most one.

Eomer began reading, occasionally interrupted by Merry and Pippin:

"Well, if it's high, then it must be on a pole, or elevated somehow!"

"No, no, no, it's in tower….it's got to be."

"For heaven's sake, Pip! If it was in a tower it would have said TOWER school, but no, it's HIGH school."

"But a tower IS high!"

"And YOU are stupid!"

"You didn't mean that."

"YES I D—"

"_SILENCE!_ " Eomer cut them off. "If any race on this Middle Earth talks more than hobbits, please _let me know_." A now red in the face Eomer continued to read.

"Tower…" said Pippin faintly. Eomwe whirled around, giving Pippin an if-you-say-tower-or-high-school-one-more-time-I'll-feed-you-to-my-horse kind of look and resumed his reading. There was along silence; then Eomer's knuckles began to whiten and the lines on his forehead crease.

He stood up and drew his sword, pointing it at the small laptop. "This is an outrage!" Lothiriel went over to read it. "Lothy, don't…" she sat down.

A minute later she got up sobbing, and ran over to sit next to a very scandalized looking Arwen. "What Lothiriel and I do in our bedchamber is strictly private! PRIVATE!" Eomer bellowed, then he stormed off to sit next to his distraught wife.

"Gimli and I ought to be safe," said Legolas. "We don't even _have_ lovers."

Aragorn looked at the screen: "I wouldn't bet on that, master elf." He said.

"Gimli and _I_?" Legolas panted. "We're…we're..." Legolas read down the page again. "Oh, Valar…oh…oh…oh…Gimli, help me up," Legolas thought about the horrible thing he had just read. "No, on second thought, don't"

Legolas hobbled over to a nearby bush and puked lembas for five whole minutes. "Strange, Gimli said, I never really thought of myself that way, and I definitely never thought of HIM that way," he pointed to wrtetching form of Legolas. "I guess now we see what they have to say about the wee hobbits. No one in their right mind would pervert such innocent creatures."

Twenty minutes later there where four very violated looking hobbits and an outraged wizard: "Saruman, indeed!" he said, resisting the urge to 'Flame of Udun' the computer.

"Oh Merry!" Sobbed Pippin, "Looking at you now, I feel so…_dirty_."

"Don't worry, Pip," Merry reached out to give him a reassuring hug, which made Pippin cry louder.

"Look at all this chaos!" said Boromir. "How could a group of people be so heartless!"

Aragorn didn't respond…he had an idea.

"Everybody who feels that they have been slandered gather over here!"

"What are we to do?" Said Eowyn, "How do we fight this tide of dirty nonsense?"

"We are going…" Aragorn paused to let the words sink in. "We are going to write a fanfic."

----- Well, there is chappy 2...chappy 3 will most likely be the last...plase r&r as you await...THE FANFIC OF THE FELLOWSHIP! 


	4. Fellowship of the Fanfic

Chapter 3

The Fellowship of the Fanfic

Aragorn began to write:

_One fine day in sunny, sunny Gondor, lived a solemn king with a lovely bride. They were very HAPPY and CONTENT together, so that not even a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL could bring them apart. _

Legolas commandeered the keyboard:

_On their way to wherever they were going, they came across Legolas: who wise, fair, strong, and in all ways straight. Legolas lived with Thurandil, lord of Mirkwood, who was a KIND and NON-ABUSIVE old elf…._

Gimli cut in:

_And Gimli was with him, and he was Legolas' good friend, friend and nothing more, and did not have a fetish for Legolas' ears._

Legolas began to type again:

_On that note, elegant, wonderful Legolas did NOT think Gimli's beard was sexy…in fact he found it quite repulsive and—_

Aragorn intervened, grabbing Gimli's hand, and putting Merry at the keys instead:

_And so Merry, arrived, Merry who loves Pippin as a friend and nothing more; and who knows that a High School is definitely NOT a school in a tower._

Pippin took over:

_And Pippin was there, too, he was also straight, and KNEW that a High School MUST be in a tower, otherwise it cannot be logically 'high'._

Merry was reaching for the keys, but Eomer shoved him out of the way:

_And it was then that wise, strong, benevolent Eomer, who always kept his bedroom activities with his wife IN THE BEDROOM and would NEVER THINK of being with anyone else, ran Merry and Pippin through, putting this silly conflict to an end._

Merry and Pippin pouted at Eomer and skulked off, only to begin arguing about High-Schools again.

"Tower!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Silence, both of you, before I actually DO run my sword through you two!" there was a hushed silence and Eomer continued:

_And Eomer and his lovely wife, (who was also straight) rejoiced at the death of the two trouble makers._

Lothiriel broke in:

_But fair lady Lothiriel took pity on the poor slain Halflings and buried them, with flowers and a little funeral and everything. _

Aragorn stopped her from going into the details of the songs they sang and put Eowyn on:

_And thus Eowyn the courageous spake, saying: "All populace of fanfiction, I have NO feelings of lust towards my brother. He is a fine man, but I am related to him, and still remember him as a wee babe. Mother always talked about how much a pudgy little thing he was…"_

Eomer almost lunge tackled his sister out of the way.

_And thus Eomer said to his bratty sister: "you are—"_

Aragorn removed Eomer and put Sam on:

_Samwise the brave was there two, he loved Frodo as a FRIEND, and he thought it silly of the late Merry and Pippin to argue over such trivial things as high schools, especially since everyone new a high school is a—_

"Oh no, not you, too!" Eomer banged his head against the wall.

"What?" said Sam, all I was going to say is that it's a place where people ages fourteen through seventeen go to learn."

"That's the most ridiculous one I've heard yet!"

Gandalf sat down to conclude the fanfic:

_The point is: all of us members of the fellowship are not even close to the what you fanfic authors making us into. You are slandering us in horrible ways. Legolas and Gimli have a special friendship, but you people took that a step further. Eomer and Lothiriel, well, the only positive comment I can make is: well, at least they are still just with one another. But that is bound to change._

_Frodo and Sam share a special bond, one that has now been sullied by gossip. And Merry and Pippin: oh, poor Merry and Pippin, how they have been abused. On the note of abuse, Thurandil is a trustworthy man, he would never abuse anyone, especially not his own flesh and blood. And Eowyn, poor Eowyn accusing her on incest this is an outrage!_

_Also, I abhor Saruman, he is a traitor, I would never perform such obscene acts with him, or anyone else for that matter. I am an immortal wizard! I do not do such things!_

_I hope this had made it clear to all of you…good day._

_P.S. You all should know that a high school is a—_

"NOOOOOOOO!" Eomer was literally hurling himself at the keyboard, his finger jamming down on the "submit" button.

"Well," said Aragorn, "The deed is done."

Eomer panted: "and the end of that stupid discussion."

"Now we must destroy this accursed machine!" said Aragorn, "Frodo?"

"What?"

"Can you go to Mt. Doom one last time?"

"NO…NEVER!"

"But this must be destroyed!"

"No," said Legolas, "I like it."

And so it was that they kept the machine, and parted ways. All living out their lives in peace, occasionally stopping by Rivendel for a game of Minesweeper…

-The End-

------ And so it ends (for now)... 


End file.
